The Thorn Picnic Club
by Merickson
Summary: Here's the dumbest Halloween 6 AU I could come up with. In screenplay format.


EXT. HOUSE - DAY

MARY stands on the front porch of a house, ringing the  
doorbell. The door opens, revealing MRS. BLANKENSHIP.

MRS. BLANKENSHIP  
Hello, dear! Cookie?

Mrs. Blankenship holds up a tray of cookies.

MARY  
Oh, Mrs. Blankenship. I wasn't  
expecting -

TERENCE (O.S.)  
No cookies for her!

MRS. BLANKENSHIP  
Oh, right.  
(to Mary)  
Sorry, dear.

Mrs. Blankenship steps out of the way to reveal TERENCE,  
DAWN, and BONHAM sitting in the living room.

INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Mary stands in the doorway, surprised to see the group.

MARY  
Everyone's already here? I thought  
I was early.

TERENCE  
We started the meeting half an hour  
early to discuss your  
transgression!

MARY  
What?

TERENCE  
Fraternizing with the enemy! You  
gave Sammy Loomis a whole jar of  
pickles!

MARY  
You told me to earn his trust so  
then you could convince him to join  
us!

TERENCE  
Not by giving him free stuff. You  
know what that kind of infraction  
means.

MIKE walks up behind Mary and taps her on the shoulder.

MIKE  
Hey, how's it goin'?

MARY  
No!

Mike picks Mary up and carries her into the house.

MARY  
Put me down!

He hangs her on a coat hook by her shirt collar.

TERENCE  
Fifteen minutes on the Coat Hook of  
Shame.

MARY  
This is so totally humiliating.

TERENCE  
That's the point. Now don't do it  
again or you won't get any more rub-on  
tattoos of our club logo. Dawn,  
what's next on the agenda?

Dawn looks at a clipboard.

DAWN  
Potato salad.

TERENCE  
Yes, of course. The Loomis  
Lunchbuddies have won the potato  
salad contest three years in a row!  
We cannot stand for this! Luckily,  
we have our newest member, Mike.

Mike waves.

MIKE  
Hey.

TERENCE  
He made a potato salad when he was  
only six years old that Sammy  
himself ate when he was principal  
of Mike's school and declared to be  
"pure deliciousness." Now we will  
replicate that glorious salad and  
win the contest!

MIKE  
Yeah, um, about that. I  
don't...remember how I made it.

TERENCE  
What?!

MIKE  
I kind of just threw stuff into a  
bowl...because I was six.

TERENCE  
Damn it!

MIKE  
I do have a video of me making it.

TERENCE  
Really? Bonham, can you do  
anything with that?

BONHAM  
I could possibly reconstruct the  
salad by analyzing the footage.

TERENCE  
Brilliant! Mike, show Bonham the  
video, and Bonham, you make the  
salad. Everyone meet up in my  
kitchen at six.

INT. KITCHEN - EVENING

Terence, Mary, Dawn, and Mrs. Blankenship stand around.

MRS. BLANKENSHIP  
Do you know why we celebrate  
National Pizza Day?

TERENCE  
Oh boy, here we go.

MRS. BLANKENSHIP  
A long, long time ago, it was a  
night of great pepperoni -

TERENCE  
Yes, yes, we know. Dawn, how long  
have we been waiting here?

DAWN  
Twenty minutes.

MARY  
Well Bonham and Mike better hurry  
up. I'm starving.

TERENCE  
You don't get any potato salad!  
I'm still mad at you! You get  
cheese on stale crackers!

MARY  
Fine.

Mary picks up a block of cheese and shoves it through a  
dicer, slicing it into small chunks.

The patio door slides open, and Bonham and Mike walk in,  
Bonham carrying a plastic-wrap-covered bowl of potato salad.

BONHAM  
Sorry we're late. The video was  
hard to analyze because the screen  
was mostly dark except for two  
holes that you could see through.

MIKE  
When I was six I didn't want to get  
my parents' camcorder messy, and  
all I had was a brown paper grocery  
bag, so I put the camcorder in the  
bag and cut two holes in front of  
the lens.

BONHAM  
Most of what I could make out was  
just potatoes getting erratically  
stabbed with a knife.

Bonham holds up the bowl.

BONHAM  
But I think I managed to make it  
work.

TERENCE  
Good job! Everyone grab a spoon.

Bonham sets the bowl on the kitchen table and rips off the  
plastic wrap. Everyone picks up a spoon, except for Mary,  
who opens a sleeve of Ritz crackers.

TERENCE  
Commence tasting ceremony in three,  
two, one. Go!

Mary steps back as Terence, Bonham, Dawn, Mike, and Mrs.  
Blankenship eat a spoonful of the potato salad - and  
immediately start vomiting.

TERENCE  
Good god! The potatoes are rotten!

DAWN  
And the eggs!

MRS. BLANKENSHIP  
Oh dear!

Mrs. Blankenship passes out.

MIKE  
Only a smoothie can cleanse this  
horror!

Mike grabs a blender from the counter.

TERENCE  
Don't pull on the blender! The  
outlet has bad wiring!

A spark shoots from the outlet the blender is plugged into.  
The ceiling lights start strobing. Mary smiles as the others  
puke all over each other.

TERENCE  
How could you not know the potatoes  
and eggs were bad!

BONHAM  
I'm sorry! I didn't actually make  
the salad! Mary said she'd make it  
while Mike and I got blackout  
drunk!

TERENCE  
Mary?!

Mary flicks a Ritz cracker with a chunk of cheese on it at  
Terence.

MARY  
Shove your coat hook up your ass!

Mary runs out of the kitchen.

THE END


End file.
